Motherhood Cracked Me Open

Motherhood cracked me open and I didn't expect it at all.

I had been on a growth path for a few years.

Between being involved in a network marketing company that encouraged personal development and my love of learning I had devoured books, attended conferences, listened to audios and come to a place where I felt ready for my 'next step'.

I remember vividly feeling ready for more growth and saying to the universe, I'm ready for my next step.

Ha!

I thought maybe it would be a Reiki course or some new kind of business direction but the universe had other plans...

Not long after that 'discussion' with the universe, something felt different and I couldn't place it.

Then one day I was walking with my mum and without thinking I blurted out 'so either my period is reallllly late or I'm pregnant'.

Mum knew that I wasn't sold on having kids, in fact the very idea freaked me the fuck out so we laughed it off and left it at that.

Later that day I was doing the groceries with my husband (who I had not shared this thought with) and I found myself wandering down 'that' aisle.

Naturally I took the test as soon as I got home but was too freaked out to leave the test facing up so as I flipped that pee covered stick over and saw the pregnant symbol I immediately spiralled.

It wasn't just fear of not being a good enough mother, I was also terrified of giving birth and honestly it just felt like I wasn't equipped to be a mum... of course that was all just noise from being disconnected from myself.

I didn't realise it at the time but I had been given my biggest growth opportunity and man has it been a journey since that day.

Prior to becoming a mum I wouldn't have admitted this but I was deeply insecure, mainly because I was completely disconnected from myself and relied desperately on external validation. I didn't feel good enough, couldn't make important decisions without consulting other people and man could I spiral into overthinking like it was an Olympic sport and I had just won gold!

Even though I had 'grown' I was still looking for answers outside of myself – of course until I became a mum and the cracks from this way of being started to show... in a big way.

Thankfully, 6 months into my motherhood journey I found the book Ask and It Is Given by way of Gabby Bernstein and from there everything changed in such a good way! I had begun to deepen my understanding of the 'spiritual' world and found solace in the concept that the universe had my back. That understanding grew as I realised I had more power over my life than I had previously knew and I was always connected to this 'energy' that felt like love.

Now one book certainly didn't 'change my life' but it was the catalyst for what was to become my greatest understanding of myself, my inner guidance, source energy/the universe/god (or whatever word you prefer to use) and the power of my focus. I learnt the art of choosing how I feel, focusing on what I want instead of what I don't want and that it all got way easier when I was in 'alignment' (aka connected to myself/my inner wisdom/source energy/god).

Essentially, everything I share is rooted in this philosophy and it continues to be validated over and over again in my own life experience.

But it has been a process and one I am continually expanding and experimenting with. I share what feels true to me, what's worked for me and what I believe could help someone else.

All of that boils down to one core theme – it all begins with reconnecting with yourself and from there everything else flows.

I have found that motherhood has definitely given me the greatest opportunity to practice returning to myself (especially when everyone and their dog has an opinion on how to do things) and as it turns out moving through life reconnected to myself as often as possible has been the missing piece all along.